Thursday, July 30, 2009

A Response to "What Can Your Looks Buy You," a blog post by Kaley Andersen

So, my good friend Kaley recently posted on her blog ( an entry entitled "What Can Your Looks Buy You?" in which she recounts her experience getting free ice cream from the ice cream man just for being the total babe that she is. I couldn't have her thinking she was the only one who gets stopped in the street on account of her good looks, so I felt I should share my experiences in this department. They don't differ much from Kaley's except that instead of attracting young, Latino ice cream truck drivers, my admirers tend to be the homeless and/or the mentally retarded. And instead of free ice cream, I just get the heebie-jeebies.

Experience number one occurred several years ago over the course of a couple of semesters. I seemed to have a similar schedule to a sweet, mentally-handicapped young man who would ride past me on his bike as we were both heading up to campus. The first time I encountered him, I was walking up to campus and was vaguely aware of a bicyclist on the other side of the street, heading my same direction. As he flew past me, the silence of the street was suddenly shattered when he hollered out at top volume, "YOU LOOK VERY BEAUTIFUL TODAY!!" I was totally caught off guard and more than a little confused. The perpetually insecure side of me wondered if it was some jerk just being rude. Or maybe this person had confused me with someone they knew. Or maybe he was some sort of pervert and I was his next target. It didn't really matter which scenario was correct as they all creeped me out. I stewed over the experience for several days and then completely forgot about it until a week or so later when it happened again. Only this time there was another girl a few blocks ahead of me and he repeated the complement to her, again at a volume loud enough to be heard for several blocks. I wasn't as stunned by this second occurrence and so I could observe him a little more closely. With relief, I realized that he was probably a little handicapped and was just trying to be sweet so I was no longer creeped out by him. I encountered him many times over the course of that school year, and when I saw him I would smile and sometimes wave. I even ran into him once near the duck pond. This time we were both on foot, and he kindly stopped to educate me on the difference between male and female mallard ducks. (The males are the colorful ones.)

The second experience was much much less heart-warming. On a recent trip to Boston, my family and I were walking through a somewhat shabby part of town, on our way to Paul Revere's house. (Don't you just love that guy?) I was minding my own business, when we passed by an older African-American gentleman (I use the term "gentleman" loosely) loitering outside a store. He fell into step beside me and said "Excuse me, miss, but you are under arrest. You are under arrest for being too bootiful." (By which I assumed he meant "beautiful," though I suppose "booty-full" is also a possibility.) I attempted a reply, but by this point, massive waves of a very strong odor were breaking against my olfactory receptors, rendering speech impossible. It was a combination of retch-inducing BO and stale cigarette smoke (my favorite fragrance combo!). Since I didn't want to open my mouth lest the smell turn into a taste, I smiled weakly and nodded, hoping he would leave me alone. He, in fact, did not. He continued to follow me up the street, saying things like "Mmm. I'm going to have to take you into custody," and "It should be illegal to be as bootiful as you," etc., etc. Meanwhile, I was furvently hoping that the fact that all his compliments involved legal terms was just a coincidence and not because he had had a lot of experience with the American penal system. The situation continued for a good two blocks before he finally dropped off and left me in peace. Now, you are probably asking yourselves where my family was during all of this. I was asking myself the same question. Clearly they were all laughing at me behind my back as not one of them came to my rescue. Thanks, Dad! Thanks, brothers! I feel so safe and protected around you!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

This just in! -- The Internet is here to stay!

Having been assured by my technological superiors that this thing they call "the Internet" is not just some passing fad, I have decided to join the world of blogging. I know this is a risky move, considering my grandparents know more about technology than I do. Another problem--I have no children! What will I fill the space with if I have no adorable offspring of whom to post thousands of pictures? Have no fear! I have one (1) exceptionally adorable niece who will more than adequately fill this void. I never exaggerate, so trust me when I tell you she is infinitely more adorable than any of your children/nieces/nephews/pet chihuahuas/small relations of any kind. It's not rude, it's just the truth. That's all for now, but stay tuned next time for an exciting installment entitled "Liz attempts to post a picture." It should be good!